Jumping the Gun

About a month ago, I wrote a post about a major change in my life. I just wanted to follow up and keep everyone in the loop.

A long time friend of my dad’s owns a restaurant in Laguna and when he heard that I was interested in food and the restaurant business he told me to come in to talk about a job. Out of the goodness of his heart he offered me a job in his kitchen even though I have no experience. My heart was bursting with so much excitement that I didn’t give it a single thought and accepted immediately.

If you haven’t noticed yet, I like to share my life, and this detail was no different. I told all my friends and all of you. I couldn’t keep my excitement inside. Everyone I know was over the moon that I would get this opportunity and so supportive. It wasn’t until the following week that reality started to set in.

On our way to spin class the following Monday, Lish started talking about when we were going to Phoenix to look at bridesmaids dresses. I started thinking, when on earth am I going to have time to go to Phoenix? I agreed to work Saturdays and Sundays because I work full time during the week. That discussion about dates sent my mind into a tailspin.

Brace yourself; the following is my stream of consciousness that followed…

“What about The Ranch trip in October? Maybe if I leave after work and go for the night and drive back at 7 am I can do it. What about Thanksgiving? It’s fine; I’ll just go for two days and drive back early. Crap. Christmas is on a Saturday. Damnit, there goes San Francisco for New Years Eve. Oh no, no cabin for Valentine’s Day. Eric’s going to dump me. Who’s going to cover for me for Lish’s bridal shower/bachelorette party/wedding. Lish is doing to take way my maid of honor status. My mom is going to kill me if I miss Christmas. I don’t want to die. Think happy thoughts. Kittens. Red vines. Flowers.”

And then I had to breathe into a paper bag. Just kidding. I just needed a puff of my inhaler.

I spent the next week in mental turmoil. I bent over the details backwards in my head to try and make it work, but the bottom line was, if I wanted to have any sort of life and maintain any sort of relationship, something had to give. I finally found something I couldn’t make work.

For the next week, I dreaded making that phone call to tell this awesome man that I couldn’t take the job I had previously agreed to take. I felt stupid. And like a failure. And, while I know I am neither of those things, I tend to be a little hard on myself. He was so gracious and understanding when I finally got the guts to call that I felt extra stupid for worrying so much.

The truth is I don’t think I’m ready to take such a giant leap. While I do think I ultimately do want to end up doing something with food, I like my current job. I like being able to travel. I like teaching swim lessons on Sundays. I like my boyfriend, my friends and my family and spending less time with them just isn’t an option right now. My life is wonderful and you all make it better.

Just thought you should know.

Love and Beer Floats

Angela